It's his usual fall....

Today, marked the 7th day after my father, or I called Baba passed away. He was 62 years old.

Never that I thot that I wud never see him again, after that unfortunate day. It was my usual weekend at my hometown Melaka. I was supposed to be home the week before but a firend of mine suddenly scheduled to have a farewell bbq at his home. I was reluctant at first but my friend insisted that I joined him, saying I cud be home the weekend after. Then I calld Mak informing her I'll be home the next weekend.

My first IF, what IF I still insisted to be home, not attending my friend's bbq, that will result in me not being home during the most critical time of my life. Maybe I shud be thanking my friend for the last minute schedule of bbq?..

I was back to my hometown, the week after the bbq wekend, happy with a new land deed, which I just acquired from Jabatan Tanah & Galian Melaka, a request by Baba to change the land name from him to any of his children. I took that responsibility. It's not because I want the land so badly but it's been discussed within my siblings and they feel that since I'm the oldest, it is my responsibility, and also, since I have the means (transport and money), it will be easier. The changing of name is no easy task. After more than a month of first going to the Jabatan Tanah & Galian, the land deed is finally in my hand. I showed to Baba and Mak. And he was happy. Baba looked sick. Mak told me Baba now has to be in the wheel chair since his legs no longer can support him. Actually, he was in wheel chair before, but he still can walk for a short distance. He cud no longer do that now. I asked him, "Baba Ok?" and I can still rmember him replied "Mana ada Ok". He seemed in pain and Mak told me, the last 2 weeks, he had fallen 4 times. He cud no longer feel his legs. My Baba is a big man, and Mak  told me, she cud no longer ferry baba on his wheel chair, he seemes heavier. Each time, my adik, Mida, needed to help Mak to move Baba in his wheel chair. I was not alarmed. Baba is scheduled for full body scan in 2 weeks. In fact I told my boss not to send me anywhere for job since I need to take leaves to take Baba to the hospital. I'm sure Baba wud be Ok. My other sister, Yani told me that they sent Baba to a clinic last Thursday and the doctor is prescribing him with a medicine. If h's not ok after 4 days, we need to send Baba for check up. Baba shud be fine, that's wat I told myself. He was sick before, but he always came out fine. Then on that Saturday morning, Yani whispered to m, Baba asked to be sent to private clinic since he cud not take the pain anymore. But I told her, isn't Baba is scheduled for chckup on Monday if h's not ok? We are not the doctors, how can we know based on Baba's measure of pain. I'm sure Baba will be ok come Monday. Then, while watching tv, my sister Mida screamed, "Baba jatuh!". I went out seeking Baba. He was on the ground, angry with my sister for not holding tight to him while transferring him from his wheel chair to his sleping spot. My sister is already crying. "Baba pegang Mida kuat sangat, Mida dah pegang Baba tapi Mida tak kuat nak angkat Baba". I knew my sister had tried her best and I cud not blame her. I wanted to help him but my other sister warned me, I am not that strong. All my other sisters are bigger than me. That incident was watched by nighbours. My neighbour is having the engagement knduri for her daughter. So, there were a lot of people nearby. All the men helped lifting Baba. One of them asked how he is and Mak told him that this week, it's been more than 4 times he fell. My neighbour decided to call an ambulance. Mak followed him to the hospital. That's the last time my neighbours saw my Baba alive. The next time he was home is during his mandi jenazah and kebumi. My sisters and I joined Mak one hour later. Mak kpt telling us that she's worried that the doctor will send Baba home again, like what they did the last time he was here. I was already planning to driv back to KL if the doctor found Baba is ok.
We were at the hospital from 130pm. When the clock hits 8pm, I was worried. Wat is going on? Wat took so long? I went into the emergency room. The doctor told m that they are still checking on him. Thy decided to x-ray him. I found myself saying, finally. But I was not worried, yet.
Around 10pm, the doctor asked for a waris to se him. My siblings and Mak decided that I wud be th best person since I might understand wat the doctor is saying. I went in, expecting him to say that we can bring him home. When I mt him, he was already standing near baba's bed. "Boleh kita cakap jauh sikit?" he asked me. I said sure, but my heart is already beating.
"He is in a critical condition. From his upper body x-rar result, it shows that his heart is abnormal in size, his lungs is infected and liver is badly damaged". W.H.A.T.A.R.E.Y.O.U.S.A.Y.I.N.G???
With disbelif look on my face I told him" We have sent him to clinic and hospitals these last 2 weeks and the doctor didn't say anything serious and now you are telling me this?" The doctor looked sorry,"We are so sorry. Thre is nothing I can say now. We are going to scan his kidney but it doesnot seem promising. And the most alarming is his low blood pressure. Our aim is to stabilize him by increasing his blood pressure". I asked him one last qustion" How do I tell Mak and my other siblings outside?". His replied? "That is our daily dilemma here and I hope you can tell all the family members. He will be sent to ICU once his place has been confirmed".

I walked to Mak with heavy legs. How do I tell them? To Mak, who is expecting all of us to be home shortly? When I reached Mak, I was smiling. I am sure Mak and my other siblings thot Baba is fine. But I dropped th bomb. "Baba jap lagi dorang nak tolak masuk ICU. Mak kena kuat, baba dalam keadaan kritikal". My sisters and Mak went from listening intently to crying. None of us expected this. Mak told me to msg my brother. I asked Mak, should I alert other family members? Mak said, not yet. We waited for Baba to enter ICU around 3am. Only 2 persons are allowed in the ICU, that time, it was me and mak. During that time, they found that Baba's kidney is already damaged and the only way for all the toxins in his body to be out is from dialysis. But with his low blood pressure, that is impossible. All they did now is trying to increase his blood pressure. Baba can still talk. He told Mak to go home. We have been in the hospital for a day and everyone is tired. Mak promised to come tomorrow during visiting hours since we are not allowed to take care of him in ICU. I looked at him and say "Baba, takde apa2 nih, nanti Baba ok". And I smiled at him. He just looked at me. I didn;t know that is the last time I saw him when he can still talk. If only i knew, I wud've prolong the conversation with him. In my mind, he will still be ok tomorrow and we can still talk to him.

On the way home, I asked Mak whether we shud alarm Baba's siblings. Mak said ok. I messaged my Uncle in JB and my cousin in Muar. Thru this 2 people, I believe all of Baba's siblings will be informed. But I cud not sleep that night. I cried in my sleep.

The next morning, while having breakfast with Mak, and getting ready to visit Baba, someon from the hospital called asking for family members to come. We were beyond alarmed. What cud be worse?
Once reaching ICU, my brother and me waited for the doctor while Mak and my sisters waited outside. Relatives, nighbours and friends were already gathering outside. I saw Baba and quite surprised he was still asleep. The nurse told me that since Baba is so tired, they decided to put him to sleep. I asked her" Nanti petang Baba bangun ke?" "In Shaa Allah" she told me. We were told by doctor that things were not looking good. Baba blood pressure is not increasing even after maximum dosage. Antibiotics has been injected into him. But it all depends on him now. His heart cud stop beating anytime. I was speechless. I heard the doctor but I did not know what to feel. All I want to ask is "How much time?" but I cud not dare myself to ask that. I told Mak and we all cried. Since the ICU only limit 2 persons to go, we had to let othrs to visit him for the last time. It must be traumatic for Mak since her mum and dad passed away in the hospital. And now her husband.

Around 6pm, my uncle and aunti from Mak's side went to see us. "Nurse tanya kenapa takde orang baca Yassin? Keadaan dah macam nazak" Ya Allah, Ya Rahman, Ya mum is alrady crying. My sister Fiza gave me a Yassin and tell me to go see Baba now. We cried while walking to him. Once in his room, I read him Yassin while crying. My sisiter saw him and then went out. Mak then was next to me and we read him yassin. Not long after that I heard doctor giving permission to all family members to come see him for the last time. I did not even look who is next to me but I was aware that the room is full with people. One of my nenek sedara who is quite close to us, reciting syahada to Baba to his ears. When I heard that I just burst more into tears that I can no longer see what I was reading. After 10pm, only 2 are allowd in th room, that is me and Mak. We recite Yassin and sometimes stop stop to talk to him We were there till 12am. Then the nurse ushered us out. But we told them we wud b outside. We knew he has not much time and we wanted to b near him as long as we can. Around 1am, a nurse rushing towards us "Encik dah nazak". During that time, only me, Mak, my sisters Yani and Fiza and Faiz, Yani's hubby were there. We ran quickly and the monitor showing som critical numbers. We recited Yassin for him and I sumtims stop to recite syahadah on his ears during his last moment. On the very last word of Yassin, Wailahiturjaunnn....his pulse went to zero.

We cried our heart out knowing he is no longer with us. But suddenly there is some figure showing up. A nurse came in and told us, "Tadi masa dah kosong dah meninggal, yg nombor ni mesin"  While crying, we called all family members and relatives informing them that Baba has left us. But few minutes later a nurse came see us saying the doctor wanted to see us. What now? It turned out that the nurse is giving false info. Baba is still alive but barely. But it is nearly his time. We sat and gather around him, reciting Yassin again. 20 minutes later, the doctor pronounced him dead.

I'm telling you all the details while I still remember it. Aftr a week, I can still remember it as it occurs yesterday. I have many regrets. I dun think I am a gud daughter to him.

My second IF. What if my neighbour didn't call the ambulance? Will he still be aliv today? I've asked my Mak and sistr and they told me the same answer. He might be but he will be in more pain. Baba always told me that he didn't like to burden anyone and he hoped to leave peacefully. His wishes is granted, Allahuakbar!
His body is later sent for mandi jnazah and burial at home. I'm sure he woud like that. And I can still rember my promise to him in ICU room, I will take care of Mak and the rest of my siblings for the rest of my life.

Al Fatihah to Baba, Mustaffa bin Mohamad......


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